I wrote this 11 years ago

when my ex, who was my life, ended our relationship. It's still true, I am still an insecure, overly sensitive guy, and I still hide it so well;

"you're my enemy
please don't stand face to face with me
and unveil the softness
in my eyes"

Weak

With this tainted soul,
in this weak young heart,
am I too much for you?

Last try

"when I think about what has happened, I feel like I should never let you back into my life. It feels as though you are only upset because you have lost everything and not because of what you actually did, I am not sure you even understand how bad it is and that makes me think it's certain you will do it again.

I often consider what would have happened if I hadn't caught you with this one, do you think about that? How far it would have gone? I am sure it'd have spread like cancer through our family, all of our secrets and the intimate details of our life would once again have been shared with a stranger you had met.

I don't care if we have problems in the marriage, we can work on those, or live with them, whatever, but I can't accept the cheating and lying, those are the 2 things that are just not compatible with a happy, healthy relationship. Even after the latest guy was out in the open, and you said you had changed and would be honest, you STILL didn't tell me that you had exchanged numbers. To me, that is simply unbelievable. It shows your lack of commitment and respect for me. You should look up those 2 words in the dictionary and understand what they mean. Why can you not just be brave and tell the truth, can't you see it is never better to lie to the people who love you?

If you don't want to be in a strong relationship, don't be in one, just leave. You can't maintain a marriage on one side and meet guys on the other, you don't get to have both. Life may not always be exciting, fun, happy, but TOUGH SHIT, it's a marriage, we deal with the problems as they come up and we work at it. I don't ask much from you but if you want to be married to me I demand honesty and loyalty. The 3 of us are a team and there is no room for any other secret friends. It is simply cheating.

You can come back to this house and we can try again but I have 4 conditions that you have to agree to. I am not arguing or changing any of this, they are to help protect myself and our son:

- we go to marriage counselling every week (I will pick a new one and this time it'll be a man). You go yourself for the first 2 sessions and tell the whole story from your side without me there. You will only get good out of it, if you put effort into it, so keep an open mind and just do it.

- you tell me about every guy you meet, talk to socially, work with, etc. until I learn to trust you again, which will take years. Talking to an old friend on facebook is fine, texting someone in work to get your rota is fine, chatting to someone you just met in a shop in the middle of the night in secret is NOT fine. Most people just know what is acceptable and what is not but you don't, so until you learn that and I trust you again, you need to tell me about every guy you come into contact with.

- you need to be very open and honest about where you are going and who you are going with at all times until I learn to trust you again, which will take years. You want to build your life up, get a job, new hobbies, activities, fine by me, I support that completely, but you have to tell me what you are doing, or I'll assume you're hiding something.

- I want some fun in 2010. Can we just relax with the whole sex thing, we are so on edge about it all. I am on one side trying to think of how to make it great for you, and you go on about never wanting to be the one to start it etc etc. It's just too much pressure, if we just relax with the whole thing it'll get better, I am sure of it. It's supposed to be fun, we should be smiling, laughing, relaxed. We both seem to have high sex drives, I am sure if we can relax and take our time it'll improve. I'd like to go back to Egypt this year, except this time have more fun. I hereby invite you, please RSVP.

If you are now committed to the relationship like you said, and you now have nothing to hide, these should be no problem to you, they are all easy.

You can make mistakes, you can tell me you're not happy with this or that, you can shout at me, argue, be moody, grumpy, you can do anything wrong in the world and we will still get through it, I promise. But if you lie to, or cheat on me again, it's over, and that is also a promise.

You can reply to this if you wish, I don't mind, but if you come back to this house I will assume you accept what's in this mail and want to give this family one last shot, as I do.

Your husband, who still loves you to death."

She came back, and for 1 last try I will swallow my pride.

Gareth

we were working on things, we had a plan, there was openness

why did she do it again, worse even, days after some light appeared, it has been shattered, and the trust is now nothing, really nothing

and a webcam this time, while I was upstairs, she may have even flashed him, her new man

does she even know what she has done

so she had to go, I can't keep doing this, she packed and I drove her to her friends, not even heartbroken, it is so raw that I can't even feel the pain

she shows regret, but she showed it last time
she says she loves me, but her actions speak louder

Biffy Clyro - Many of Horror

Love this song and its lyrics:

You say "I love you, boy"
I know you lie
I trust you all the same
I don't know why

'Cos when my back is turned
My bruises shine
Our broken fairytale
So hard to hide

I still believe
It's you and me to the end of time

When we collide we come together
If we don't we'll always be apart
I'll take a bruise, I know you're worth it
When you hit me, hit me hard

Sitting in a wishing hall
Hoping it stays right
Feet cast in solid stone
I got Gilligan's eyes

I still believe
It's you and me to the end of time

When we collide we come together
If we don't we'll always be apart
I'll take a bruise, I know you're worth it
When you hit me, hit me hard

'Cos you said our love
Is letting us go, guess what
Our future is for
Many of horror
Our future's for
Many of horror

I still believe
It's you and me to the end of time

When we collide we come together
If we don't we'll always be apart
I'll take a bruise, I know you're worth it
When you hit me, hit me hard

Still willing to go a few rounds

Well holiday was great, it may have been the best holiday I have ever had if it wasn't for our situation. We only had sex once the entire time, and we talked about "us" every day, which just annoyed her. We have seldom had sex since coming back although we have moved house, and now have 3 family staying over.

We went to marriage counselling. She declared after the session that it "was a load of rubbish" and she wasn't going back. 1 good thing did come of that though, I really think we have the root 2 issues of her unhappiness now:

1) Lack of romance and the fulfilling sex. She just never raised it in all these years as she saw me as a "good husband" and her as a "bad wife"

2) She has no excitement in her own life, nothing to make her satisfied with her days. In the years we've been married she has seldom had a job or activities that she loves. She has no financial independence and that annoys her.

Family round right now so it's difficult to start addressing these issues. I suppose 1 is my responsibility and 2 is hers. I feel 1 will take considerable time and effort to fix as we never really "clicked" with that even at the start. She declared in the counselling meeting she wants it to be "great every time". Confidence? Where have you gone?

She's looking for a job now, and has joined a tennis club, something she always wanted to do. She also plans on joining a gym (a different one to me as we agreed these things should be done apart). I think these things are great and I am supporting her where possible. They will hopefully take the pressure off issue 1 at least a little.

Stuff that I have changed in my life in the last 4 months:

- started using all these expensive grooming products, love them! and may be turning into a girl, but my skin feels great! Specifically right now I use:

shampoo and conditioner (Men-U and American Crew)
face wash (Lab Series Multi-Action Face Wash)
face mask (Anthony Logistics Deep Pore Cleansing Clay Mask)
face moisturiser (Men-U Matt Moisturiser)
lip balm (Ole Henriksen Fresh Lips-Stimulating Lip Treatment SPF15)
eye cream (Nickel Attention Les Yeux)
hair cream (Lock Stock and Barrel)
tongue scraper (Periproducts Oolitt Tongue Cleanser)
fragnances (Zihr Classic Eau de toilette)

- getting hair cuts from a stylist, not a barber

- bought new clothes and threw away 90% of what I had before - that felt great. I'm buying stuff from Zara now, looks awesome

- turns out I need glasses! I haven't picked them yet though

- motorbike lessons, 4 more lessons to go before I can take my test

- joined a gym, trainer built me a plan to bulk up and am going to go 3 times a week. Have already been a few times to do cardio stuff and felt great after it

- spending more time with my son, who for the first time the other day decided to stay with me at home when wife went out! What a shock that was

- I've been reading "man up" books. I don't think I am really a classic "nice guy" but there's a lot I can learn. I've read "Hold onto your N.U.T.s" and taken notes of what seems important to me. I am starting "No more mr nice guy" now. I have some idea of what I need to change now to be happy with myself. I realised that I actually changed a lot for her over the years and I'm going to change that back. I also realise now I can be very childish and sometimes manipulative, not attractive qualities

- I bought a book on romance and it is filled with ideas! They don't come naturally to me so this will help. I have started planning the first one already. Again if this relationship really doesn't work, should help me for the future.

We are still pretty much at rock bottom, the only good thing is we are being civil, still sleeping in the same bed, still carrying on with life while we work on our own things.

We don't "touch" much and she still never hugs me. She only kisses me when she has to, like a peck when going out. We still have no closeness.

Unfortunately, I feel issue number 1 may never be able to be "fixed" but I have to try.

come fly with me

So this is it. I'm packed, she's packing now. 1 week in Egypt, just the 2 of us.

I have been thinking hard how I am going to play this. Should we talk about all that has happened, the other man, the separation? After much consideration I've decided to make this 7 days of no talk about the relationship, or sex, or money or anything else that has caused us problems in the past.

I am just going to be cool as a cucumber, following as many of the rules below as possible, without coming over as a d**k! In my dreams, some girls come onto me at the bar when she's in the toilet [in reality she gets hit on 50 times when I'm in the toilet]. God I hate pretty people.

What do I want to get out of the week? Some trust in her/a little closeness back, no arguments, and to believe that I am the centre of her universe again - HA HA, as if (ohh.. a nice night in bed would be good, 7 nights come on, give me 1 without any stress).

Back in 8 days blog.