Love this song and its lyrics:
You say "I love you, boy"
I know you lie
I trust you all the same
I don't know why
'Cos when my back is turned
My bruises shine
Our broken fairytale
So hard to hide
I still believe
It's you and me to the end of time
When we collide we come together
If we don't we'll always be apart
I'll take a bruise, I know you're worth it
When you hit me, hit me hard
Sitting in a wishing hall
Hoping it stays right
Feet cast in solid stone
I got Gilligan's eyes
I still believe
It's you and me to the end of time
When we collide we come together
If we don't we'll always be apart
I'll take a bruise, I know you're worth it
When you hit me, hit me hard
'Cos you said our love
Is letting us go, guess what
Our future is for
Many of horror
Our future's for
Many of horror
I still believe
It's you and me to the end of time
When we collide we come together
If we don't we'll always be apart
I'll take a bruise, I know you're worth it
When you hit me, hit me hard
Monday, 22 February 2010
Still willing to go a few rounds
Well holiday was great, it may have been the best holiday I have ever had if it wasn't for our situation. We only had sex once the entire time, and we talked about "us" every day, which just annoyed her. We have seldom had sex since coming back although we have moved house, and now have 3 family staying over.
We went to marriage counselling. She declared after the session that it "was a load of rubbish" and she wasn't going back. 1 good thing did come of that though, I really think we have the root 2 issues of her unhappiness now:
1) Lack of romance and the fulfilling sex. She just never raised it in all these years as she saw me as a "good husband" and her as a "bad wife"
2) She has no excitement in her own life, nothing to make her satisfied with her days. In the years we've been married she has seldom had a job or activities that she loves. She has no financial independence and that annoys her.
Family round right now so it's difficult to start addressing these issues. I suppose 1 is my responsibility and 2 is hers. I feel 1 will take considerable time and effort to fix as we never really "clicked" with that even at the start. She declared in the counselling meeting she wants it to be "great every time". Confidence? Where have you gone?
She's looking for a job now, and has joined a tennis club, something she always wanted to do. She also plans on joining a gym (a different one to me as we agreed these things should be done apart). I think these things are great and I am supporting her where possible. They will hopefully take the pressure off issue 1 at least a little.
Stuff that I have changed in my life in the last 4 months:
- started using all these expensive grooming products, love them! and may be turning into a girl, but my skin feels great! Specifically right now I use:
shampoo and conditioner (Men-U and American Crew)
face wash (Lab Series Multi-Action Face Wash)
face mask (Anthony Logistics Deep Pore Cleansing Clay Mask)
face moisturiser (Men-U Matt Moisturiser)
lip balm (Ole Henriksen Fresh Lips-Stimulating Lip Treatment SPF15)
eye cream (Nickel Attention Les Yeux)
hair cream (Lock Stock and Barrel)
tongue scraper (Periproducts Oolitt Tongue Cleanser)
fragnances (Zihr Classic Eau de toilette)
face wash (Lab Series Multi-Action Face Wash)
face mask (Anthony Logistics Deep Pore Cleansing Clay Mask)
face moisturiser (Men-U Matt Moisturiser)
lip balm (Ole Henriksen Fresh Lips-Stimulating Lip Treatment SPF15)
eye cream (Nickel Attention Les Yeux)
hair cream (Lock Stock and Barrel)
tongue scraper (Periproducts Oolitt Tongue Cleanser)
fragnances (Zihr Classic Eau de toilette)
- getting hair cuts from a stylist, not a barber
- bought new clothes and threw away 90% of what I had before - that felt great. I'm buying stuff from Zara now, looks awesome
- turns out I need glasses! I haven't picked them yet though
- motorbike lessons, 4 more lessons to go before I can take my test
- joined a gym, trainer built me a plan to bulk up and am going to go 3 times a week. Have already been a few times to do cardio stuff and felt great after it
- spending more time with my son, who for the first time the other day decided to stay with me at home when wife went out! What a shock that was
- I've been reading "man up" books. I don't think I am really a classic "nice guy" but there's a lot I can learn. I've read "Hold onto your N.U.T.s" and taken notes of what seems important to me. I am starting "No more mr nice guy" now. I have some idea of what I need to change now to be happy with myself. I realised that I actually changed a lot for her over the years and I'm going to change that back. I also realise now I can be very childish and sometimes manipulative, not attractive qualities
- I bought a book on romance and it is filled with ideas! They don't come naturally to me so this will help. I have started planning the first one already. Again if this relationship really doesn't work, should help me for the future.
We are still pretty much at rock bottom, the only good thing is we are being civil, still sleeping in the same bed, still carrying on with life while we work on our own things.
We don't "touch" much and she still never hugs me. She only kisses me when she has to, like a peck when going out. We still have no closeness.
We don't "touch" much and she still never hugs me. She only kisses me when she has to, like a peck when going out. We still have no closeness.
Unfortunately, I feel issue number 1 may never be able to be "fixed" but I have to try.
Wednesday, 27 January 2010
come fly with me
So this is it. I'm packed, she's packing now. 1 week in Egypt, just the 2 of us.
I have been thinking hard how I am going to play this. Should we talk about all that has happened, the other man, the separation? After much consideration I've decided to make this 7 days of no talk about the relationship, or sex, or money or anything else that has caused us problems in the past.
I am just going to be cool as a cucumber, following as many of the rules below as possible, without coming over as a d**k! In my dreams, some girls come onto me at the bar when she's in the toilet [in reality she gets hit on 50 times when I'm in the toilet]. God I hate pretty people.
What do I want to get out of the week? Some trust in her/a little closeness back, no arguments, and to believe that I am the centre of her universe again - HA HA, as if (ohh.. a nice night in bed would be good, 7 nights come on, give me 1 without any stress).
Back in 8 days blog.
I have been thinking hard how I am going to play this. Should we talk about all that has happened, the other man, the separation? After much consideration I've decided to make this 7 days of no talk about the relationship, or sex, or money or anything else that has caused us problems in the past.
I am just going to be cool as a cucumber, following as many of the rules below as possible, without coming over as a d**k! In my dreams, some girls come onto me at the bar when she's in the toilet [in reality she gets hit on 50 times when I'm in the toilet]. God I hate pretty people.
What do I want to get out of the week? Some trust in her/a little closeness back, no arguments, and to believe that I am the centre of her universe again - HA HA, as if (ohh.. a nice night in bed would be good, 7 nights come on, give me 1 without any stress).
Back in 8 days blog.
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
ARE WE OK! What a mistake
Last night as we lay in bed I asked "are we ok?" just before we slept. 1 hour later we are still talking about. I didn't pick a good moment, or the right things to say.
But I realise now I need to get my making-own-life-better back on track. There is just so much happening right now. We're packing to move house and I am trying to work harder, but we're both at home all day every day which is just making everything 100 times worse.
She needs more friends, and a job and some new interests. I am scared she will meet someone when she does this but I have to push her to do it because currently she doesn't really have a life of any reasonable description. I keep telling her to make herself happy. She has started looking for a job but it's slow progress on account of the house move.
I still don't really know what she thinks of me. I realised the other day that I don't even know what she meant by us losing the closeness. I took it to mean she wasn't attracted to me anymore, but thinking more about it, maybe that is not it, or not all of it. Anyway I can't ask her about that now.
It's back to living life aloof, meeting people and working on myself. We goto Egypt on Thursday for a week without the kid. This is our reconnecting emotionally holiday.
Less time spent together, but quality time when we do, is what we need. And her to get her own life.
At LEAST we are still together, even if there is no trust right now.
But I realise now I need to get my making-own-life-better back on track. There is just so much happening right now. We're packing to move house and I am trying to work harder, but we're both at home all day every day which is just making everything 100 times worse.
She needs more friends, and a job and some new interests. I am scared she will meet someone when she does this but I have to push her to do it because currently she doesn't really have a life of any reasonable description. I keep telling her to make herself happy. She has started looking for a job but it's slow progress on account of the house move.
I still don't really know what she thinks of me. I realised the other day that I don't even know what she meant by us losing the closeness. I took it to mean she wasn't attracted to me anymore, but thinking more about it, maybe that is not it, or not all of it. Anyway I can't ask her about that now.
It's back to living life aloof, meeting people and working on myself. We goto Egypt on Thursday for a week without the kid. This is our reconnecting emotionally holiday.
Less time spent together, but quality time when we do, is what we need. And her to get her own life.
At LEAST we are still together, even if there is no trust right now.
Divorce Busters!
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
Sunday, 24 January 2010
wife had an EA
Well we're back in the same house. There's still affection but pretty sure she's not THAT attracted to me. Seeing pumped up men makes me feel like she's looking at them thinking I'm inadequate.
I am happy with how I am, how I look, so it makes me feel like she isn't the one, or that I could be happier with someone else.
The sex needs a lot of effort, which makes it stressful. She likes to watch porn while we do it. Ahh the missing attraction. How could that ever be fixed.
Where do I see our relationship in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years! No idea.
I am happy with how I am, how I look, so it makes me feel like she isn't the one, or that I could be happier with someone else.
The sex needs a lot of effort, which makes it stressful. She likes to watch porn while we do it. Ahh the missing attraction. How could that ever be fixed.
Where do I see our relationship in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years! No idea.
2 steps forward 1 step back
"Hi,
wife and I have improved recently. She says she's happy now, I still think there are issues but we are working on them.
Yesterday I find out that back during the really unhappy bit 3 months ago or so, that she had given her number to someone she met online and had text him loads of times (got the phone bill) and called him a lot. It seemed to stop suddenly on the 1st Jan, co-inciding with her revelation that us splitting was a huge mistake.
I confronted her, she said they never met and it was just a huge horrible mistake because at the time she was deeply unhappy with the relationship. She said she told him to leave her alone. This ties in with the phone bill.
Now I don't know what to do. We have been doing well recently but I don't know how to get the trust back. She probably didn't meet him, but I don't know for sure, maybe they did meet. I can never tell if she's lying, she has lied to me before.
I am so angry at what she did and I don't want to be a pushover.
She is devastated and has continually said sorry. I told her I need some space. She is staying in the house and just crying about it. I want her to sweat about this big time because if it wasn't for our son, I'd probably have walked out the door and never looked back months ago.
Any advice?"
wife and I have improved recently. She says she's happy now, I still think there are issues but we are working on them.
Yesterday I find out that back during the really unhappy bit 3 months ago or so, that she had given her number to someone she met online and had text him loads of times (got the phone bill) and called him a lot. It seemed to stop suddenly on the 1st Jan, co-inciding with her revelation that us splitting was a huge mistake.
I confronted her, she said they never met and it was just a huge horrible mistake because at the time she was deeply unhappy with the relationship. She said she told him to leave her alone. This ties in with the phone bill.
Now I don't know what to do. We have been doing well recently but I don't know how to get the trust back. She probably didn't meet him, but I don't know for sure, maybe they did meet. I can never tell if she's lying, she has lied to me before.
I am so angry at what she did and I don't want to be a pushover.
She is devastated and has continually said sorry. I told her I need some space. She is staying in the house and just crying about it. I want her to sweat about this big time because if it wasn't for our son, I'd probably have walked out the door and never looked back months ago.
Any advice?"
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