So this is it. I'm packed, she's packing now. 1 week in Egypt, just the 2 of us.
I have been thinking hard how I am going to play this. Should we talk about all that has happened, the other man, the separation? After much consideration I've decided to make this 7 days of no talk about the relationship, or sex, or money or anything else that has caused us problems in the past.
I am just going to be cool as a cucumber, following as many of the rules below as possible, without coming over as a d**k! In my dreams, some girls come onto me at the bar when she's in the toilet [in reality she gets hit on 50 times when I'm in the toilet]. God I hate pretty people.
What do I want to get out of the week? Some trust in her/a little closeness back, no arguments, and to believe that I am the centre of her universe again - HA HA, as if (ohh.. a nice night in bed would be good, 7 nights come on, give me 1 without any stress).
Back in 8 days blog.
Wednesday 27 January 2010
Tuesday 26 January 2010
ARE WE OK! What a mistake
Last night as we lay in bed I asked "are we ok?" just before we slept. 1 hour later we are still talking about. I didn't pick a good moment, or the right things to say.
But I realise now I need to get my making-own-life-better back on track. There is just so much happening right now. We're packing to move house and I am trying to work harder, but we're both at home all day every day which is just making everything 100 times worse.
She needs more friends, and a job and some new interests. I am scared she will meet someone when she does this but I have to push her to do it because currently she doesn't really have a life of any reasonable description. I keep telling her to make herself happy. She has started looking for a job but it's slow progress on account of the house move.
I still don't really know what she thinks of me. I realised the other day that I don't even know what she meant by us losing the closeness. I took it to mean she wasn't attracted to me anymore, but thinking more about it, maybe that is not it, or not all of it. Anyway I can't ask her about that now.
It's back to living life aloof, meeting people and working on myself. We goto Egypt on Thursday for a week without the kid. This is our reconnecting emotionally holiday.
Less time spent together, but quality time when we do, is what we need. And her to get her own life.
At LEAST we are still together, even if there is no trust right now.
But I realise now I need to get my making-own-life-better back on track. There is just so much happening right now. We're packing to move house and I am trying to work harder, but we're both at home all day every day which is just making everything 100 times worse.
She needs more friends, and a job and some new interests. I am scared she will meet someone when she does this but I have to push her to do it because currently she doesn't really have a life of any reasonable description. I keep telling her to make herself happy. She has started looking for a job but it's slow progress on account of the house move.
I still don't really know what she thinks of me. I realised the other day that I don't even know what she meant by us losing the closeness. I took it to mean she wasn't attracted to me anymore, but thinking more about it, maybe that is not it, or not all of it. Anyway I can't ask her about that now.
It's back to living life aloof, meeting people and working on myself. We goto Egypt on Thursday for a week without the kid. This is our reconnecting emotionally holiday.
Less time spent together, but quality time when we do, is what we need. And her to get her own life.
At LEAST we are still together, even if there is no trust right now.
Divorce Busters!
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
Sunday 24 January 2010
wife had an EA
Well we're back in the same house. There's still affection but pretty sure she's not THAT attracted to me. Seeing pumped up men makes me feel like she's looking at them thinking I'm inadequate.
I am happy with how I am, how I look, so it makes me feel like she isn't the one, or that I could be happier with someone else.
The sex needs a lot of effort, which makes it stressful. She likes to watch porn while we do it. Ahh the missing attraction. How could that ever be fixed.
Where do I see our relationship in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years! No idea.
I am happy with how I am, how I look, so it makes me feel like she isn't the one, or that I could be happier with someone else.
The sex needs a lot of effort, which makes it stressful. She likes to watch porn while we do it. Ahh the missing attraction. How could that ever be fixed.
Where do I see our relationship in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years! No idea.
2 steps forward 1 step back
"Hi,
wife and I have improved recently. She says she's happy now, I still think there are issues but we are working on them.
Yesterday I find out that back during the really unhappy bit 3 months ago or so, that she had given her number to someone she met online and had text him loads of times (got the phone bill) and called him a lot. It seemed to stop suddenly on the 1st Jan, co-inciding with her revelation that us splitting was a huge mistake.
I confronted her, she said they never met and it was just a huge horrible mistake because at the time she was deeply unhappy with the relationship. She said she told him to leave her alone. This ties in with the phone bill.
Now I don't know what to do. We have been doing well recently but I don't know how to get the trust back. She probably didn't meet him, but I don't know for sure, maybe they did meet. I can never tell if she's lying, she has lied to me before.
I am so angry at what she did and I don't want to be a pushover.
She is devastated and has continually said sorry. I told her I need some space. She is staying in the house and just crying about it. I want her to sweat about this big time because if it wasn't for our son, I'd probably have walked out the door and never looked back months ago.
Any advice?"
wife and I have improved recently. She says she's happy now, I still think there are issues but we are working on them.
Yesterday I find out that back during the really unhappy bit 3 months ago or so, that she had given her number to someone she met online and had text him loads of times (got the phone bill) and called him a lot. It seemed to stop suddenly on the 1st Jan, co-inciding with her revelation that us splitting was a huge mistake.
I confronted her, she said they never met and it was just a huge horrible mistake because at the time she was deeply unhappy with the relationship. She said she told him to leave her alone. This ties in with the phone bill.
Now I don't know what to do. We have been doing well recently but I don't know how to get the trust back. She probably didn't meet him, but I don't know for sure, maybe they did meet. I can never tell if she's lying, she has lied to me before.
I am so angry at what she did and I don't want to be a pushover.
She is devastated and has continually said sorry. I told her I need some space. She is staying in the house and just crying about it. I want her to sweat about this big time because if it wasn't for our son, I'd probably have walked out the door and never looked back months ago.
Any advice?"
Thursday 7 January 2010
Wednesday 6 January 2010
rock bottom
- confronted her and she said she wasn't sure if we were meant to be together
- took over the conversation, said I felt the same and that we should take 2 days apart
- I drive her to her friends and go on a planned night out, I was holding it together despite not knowing if we were going to be together
- she texts and phones me all night, I don't reply/answer
How happy is the blameless Vestel's lot
The world forgetting by the world forgot
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
Each prayer accepted and each wish resigned
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