"Really MUCH of your misery is down to your own thinking and torturous thoughts. Most of us are the composers of our own misery symphony.
If you change your thoughts, you'll change your life. I am a firm believer of that...not to trivialise anything you're saying...
But as you think so shall you be...and a lot of what you wrote in your post makes me see why you're so fearful, jealous, unhappy...
Keep schtum and stop snooping. Build that trust up."
-- T
Thursday 31 December 2009
Jealousy
Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. ~Jennifer James
1 step forward 2 steps back
Latest sign of weirdness I have crushed myself with:
- she wouldn't let nicholas take her bag from the car, she said she liked to take her bag herself.. why would that be
- hardly allows her phone out of her sight, although I did ask to borrow it to fix up my new one, and she allowed me - had a wee look through, nothing suspicious but I saw the doctor in her contact list, and the skier but he was awaiting friend request approval
- she went to her friends with our son, but she left him there for a while and went shopping by herself for a bit, who did she meet! Who did she chat to!
Have taken a huge step back here, feel totally rubbish. She said I was annoying her as my attitude kept changing.
How do I get past this.. I need some way to wipe this jealousy out.
She is thinking of going clubbing with her mate on Saturday, maybe even tonight as well. God how will I cope with that.
- she wouldn't let nicholas take her bag from the car, she said she liked to take her bag herself.. why would that be
- hardly allows her phone out of her sight, although I did ask to borrow it to fix up my new one, and she allowed me - had a wee look through, nothing suspicious but I saw the doctor in her contact list, and the skier but he was awaiting friend request approval
- she went to her friends with our son, but she left him there for a while and went shopping by herself for a bit, who did she meet! Who did she chat to!
Have taken a huge step back here, feel totally rubbish. She said I was annoying her as my attitude kept changing.
How do I get past this.. I need some way to wipe this jealousy out.
She is thinking of going clubbing with her mate on Saturday, maybe even tonight as well. God how will I cope with that.
Wednesday 30 December 2009
Elliott Smith - King's Crossing, alternate lyrics
the problem i have with the soul contraption
swallowed up slowly like a bad reaction
all around what you do and say while the symptom falls further away
you live in silence but you can't describe it
so what's the point of talking at all?
the store bought injury.. the family cane
just another boy bad at the game
this is when you need a friend to keep you moving around
'cause all your thinking has made you slow
you might be stopping out.. you know
frustrated fireworks inside your head
there's a wet fuse smoking.. you caught instead
what you're dealing.. but it's just a start
was a time since your problem was a poison dart
and you act like a cowboy.. putting arrows in my hat
i'm a hardboiled hero and i'm not so bad
but i didn't know when to run from this
a proud fan is gonna see you shatter
i know that there really isn't anything the matter
nothing is gonna be crying words.. they only want their voice to be heard
they use it sometimes to show that they're around
or they build you up a theory like the walls of a town
a tired and ancient ruler right now.. the neighborhood slaves are hardly skilled
open your parachute and drop your weight
float on down to the center and investigate
i did my self requirement.. better cop out hard
or i'll leave right now
'cause this feeling of loving.. i felt it in my chest
like the nighttime footsteps of an unknown guest
i know it wasn't me.. i wasn't moving..
i felt thunder.. the rain was pouring
i know it must be something wrong all this is restoring
you don't have to live in a life's mistake
stay in the center and wait
stay in the center and wait
stay in the center and wait
swallowed up slowly like a bad reaction
all around what you do and say while the symptom falls further away
you live in silence but you can't describe it
so what's the point of talking at all?
the store bought injury.. the family cane
just another boy bad at the game
this is when you need a friend to keep you moving around
'cause all your thinking has made you slow
you might be stopping out.. you know
frustrated fireworks inside your head
there's a wet fuse smoking.. you caught instead
what you're dealing.. but it's just a start
was a time since your problem was a poison dart
and you act like a cowboy.. putting arrows in my hat
i'm a hardboiled hero and i'm not so bad
but i didn't know when to run from this
a proud fan is gonna see you shatter
i know that there really isn't anything the matter
nothing is gonna be crying words.. they only want their voice to be heard
they use it sometimes to show that they're around
or they build you up a theory like the walls of a town
a tired and ancient ruler right now.. the neighborhood slaves are hardly skilled
open your parachute and drop your weight
float on down to the center and investigate
i did my self requirement.. better cop out hard
or i'll leave right now
'cause this feeling of loving.. i felt it in my chest
like the nighttime footsteps of an unknown guest
i know it wasn't me.. i wasn't moving..
i felt thunder.. the rain was pouring
i know it must be something wrong all this is restoring
you don't have to live in a life's mistake
stay in the center and wait
stay in the center and wait
stay in the center and wait
some relief
Something good happened last night. We talked.
I managed to express my insecurity about the relationship. I told her I need to know that she wants this to be forever, that she really loves me and that I need more optimism about it, rather than just "wait and see".
We managed to talk without arguing which was great. I suggested we weren't good at communicating, she said it was only me that wasn't and that she told me everything. That's certainly not true, but I can live with that for now.
She has been out all day at a friends with our son. I text her 20mins ago and she hasn't replied yet. I won't text or contact again, she may just be driving home.
I know I am still going to be jealous and we'll still have issues, but at the moment I feel much better that she has just come out and said that she "loves me to death", even if I did put those words into her head.
I need a whole lot of reassurance so I can start rebuilding the trust, and I got a tiny little, and it felt good.
She just text back, an annoying 2 word reply but I'll take that for now.
Oh, incase I missed it in the last update, 3 things unsettled me recently:
- she puts a calendar up on the wall right next to the one we used to share and she starts using that. I mean WHY would she do that!
- she no longer wants to have any more kids, sudden turnaround
- she logs into MSN with her maiden name
All 3 suggest to me that she is trying to maintain her independence. When questioned about them though, she has all her reasons which may or may not be true. It may or may not be that she just wants to remain independent but they all hurt a little, and make me question how much she loves me and how dedicated she is to this relationship.
I managed to express my insecurity about the relationship. I told her I need to know that she wants this to be forever, that she really loves me and that I need more optimism about it, rather than just "wait and see".
We managed to talk without arguing which was great. I suggested we weren't good at communicating, she said it was only me that wasn't and that she told me everything. That's certainly not true, but I can live with that for now.
She has been out all day at a friends with our son. I text her 20mins ago and she hasn't replied yet. I won't text or contact again, she may just be driving home.
I know I am still going to be jealous and we'll still have issues, but at the moment I feel much better that she has just come out and said that she "loves me to death", even if I did put those words into her head.
I need a whole lot of reassurance so I can start rebuilding the trust, and I got a tiny little, and it felt good.
She just text back, an annoying 2 word reply but I'll take that for now.
Oh, incase I missed it in the last update, 3 things unsettled me recently:
- she puts a calendar up on the wall right next to the one we used to share and she starts using that. I mean WHY would she do that!
- she no longer wants to have any more kids, sudden turnaround
- she logs into MSN with her maiden name
All 3 suggest to me that she is trying to maintain her independence. When questioned about them though, she has all her reasons which may or may not be true. It may or may not be that she just wants to remain independent but they all hurt a little, and make me question how much she loves me and how dedicated she is to this relationship.
Invictus
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
Sunday 27 December 2009
Christmas is over, 2010 is near
update; few days back I thought she had left me. There was 1 hour when I couldn't contact her, she had gone to pick up Nicholas and her mobile was off. I had been chatting to her on MSn mobile, and mentioned the Dr in a really casual way, about seeing his name on my FB or something, and not knowing who he was.
She never responded to that, and then her mobile went off. I went into utter panic mode, I couldn't sit still,I shouted, screamed. Called my Mum and sister.. just total panic. She then arrived back. She had gone to the shop with Nicholas and her mobile ran out of battery. The sense of relief was overwhelming and I almost cried.
So now Christmas is over and the family have gone. Back to "us". Back to the doubting, the insecurity, the trust that is so weak.
I casually asked her about chatting to girls on FB too. I said what if I chatted to them, she said "as long as you're happy". What?! Then I said what if I gave out my phone number. She said something unconclusive like she'd have to think about it. No hint of jealousy there at all.
Next event, she just mentioned that she doesn't want to have any more kids. She said it's because Nicholas is so hard and that I had my chance, she had wanted one for ages and I didn't. I don't even care if we have any more kids, I really don't. But why the turnaround?? Because of Nicholas, or because of me?
So a 3 day break of feeling totally terrified about the relationship. And back I am to the misery. The rollercoaster relationship that I have somehow found myself in after 7 years of marriage.
She never responded to that, and then her mobile went off. I went into utter panic mode, I couldn't sit still,I shouted, screamed. Called my Mum and sister.. just total panic. She then arrived back. She had gone to the shop with Nicholas and her mobile ran out of battery. The sense of relief was overwhelming and I almost cried.
So now Christmas is over and the family have gone. Back to "us". Back to the doubting, the insecurity, the trust that is so weak.
I casually asked her about chatting to girls on FB too. I said what if I chatted to them, she said "as long as you're happy". What?! Then I said what if I gave out my phone number. She said something unconclusive like she'd have to think about it. No hint of jealousy there at all.
Next event, she just mentioned that she doesn't want to have any more kids. She said it's because Nicholas is so hard and that I had my chance, she had wanted one for ages and I didn't. I don't even care if we have any more kids, I really don't. But why the turnaround?? Because of Nicholas, or because of me?
So a 3 day break of feeling totally terrified about the relationship. And back I am to the misery. The rollercoaster relationship that I have somehow found myself in after 7 years of marriage.
Monday 21 December 2009
I DON'T TRUST YOU
People tell me we need to work on things, that the reason you flirt online is that there is something missing from the relationship, that I should be a better person and make this relationship great so you have no excuses.
Why do I have to figure out what it is you need? Why is it me that has to improve. Why do I need counselling? I have my issues, I know what they are. But YOU are the one who has to fix it. You can't even speak to me properly. I would NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER disrespect you so much by giving out my phone number to a girl. I deserve better than you. I deserve someone who will be honest with me. I don't care if you have male friends, but look who they are! They are your fantasy men! I am giving you an extremely comfortable lifestyle, you don't even work, and you do this to me?
And when all is said and done you give ME an ultimatum??? You can take that ultimatum and get it right up ye
You threw this relationship away when you decided to build up a bunch of secrets rather than openly and honestly working on the relationhip, something I have always wanted to do. You will be responsible for our sons mummy and daddy living apart. My conscience is clear.
Why do I have to figure out what it is you need? Why is it me that has to improve. Why do I need counselling? I have my issues, I know what they are. But YOU are the one who has to fix it. You can't even speak to me properly. I would NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER disrespect you so much by giving out my phone number to a girl. I deserve better than you. I deserve someone who will be honest with me. I don't care if you have male friends, but look who they are! They are your fantasy men! I am giving you an extremely comfortable lifestyle, you don't even work, and you do this to me?
And when all is said and done you give ME an ultimatum??? You can take that ultimatum and get it right up ye
You threw this relationship away when you decided to build up a bunch of secrets rather than openly and honestly working on the relationhip, something I have always wanted to do. You will be responsible for our sons mummy and daddy living apart. My conscience is clear.
Friday 18 December 2009
it's going to be a long night
I've pretty much come to terms with the Dr. It's something I will have to live with for now.
She seems happy, I feel a little more trust creeping back in. Although he is away for 2 weeks to his homeland, a fact I picked up completely by accident. Has she been texting less?? Is she happier because he is out of sight for now? Probably not, I suppose.
Blind faith, what a bitch.
Continuous effort, not strength or intelligence, is the key to unlocking our potential.
She is going out tonight for a friends birthday. I am ok with it, but it's going to be a long, long night.
Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever give up.
Rarrr
She seems happy, I feel a little more trust creeping back in. Although he is away for 2 weeks to his homeland, a fact I picked up completely by accident. Has she been texting less?? Is she happier because he is out of sight for now? Probably not, I suppose.
Blind faith, what a bitch.
Continuous effort, not strength or intelligence, is the key to unlocking our potential.
She is going out tonight for a friends birthday. I am ok with it, but it's going to be a long, long night.
Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever give up.
Rarrr
Monday 14 December 2009
an apple a day
the card called me baby and sweetheart, it mentioned love, it had kisses
and a few days after our anniversary she sends a message to the Dr again.
It's a public note to say have a good holiday but she tried to hide it.
I shouted when I saw it, not in front of her
I am so tired of this feeling, where has my baby gone, the one who would never leave?
Am I not good enough, am I not the one?
All my revelations about my insecurity shaping so much of my life, I saw her looking at MY profile, I saw her hiding it
is she checking up on ME?
"dance for me sweet angel, flutter your wings, and let me lose myself in you"
Thursday 10 December 2009
maybe
I have to fix my own issues first before I try to help her with hers.
That chat to the Dr has just really hurt me, it's like jealousy on speed. I'm just terrified she'll leave me, or worst cheat on me, how could I ever deal with that.
But I've learnt some stuff about myself at least. Lots of the problems we have are because of my own insecurity, it's low self esteem. I can be confident in work, I can watch the news, care about the politics, I can talk to people I don't know. It's not that part of it, it's the relationship part. I hate the way I look, my nose is weird and I have ugly hair. My skin is too white, and dry, and I don't exercise. I don't have muscles on my arms.
Is this the root of it all? I have had 2 major relationships in my life. Both times I have made the other person my whole universe. No wonder it took so long to get over the last one, no wonder I am terrified of losing this one. My life outside of them ceases. I have what, 1 friend I can call up to go out with. Where is the rest of my life. Is this why I am terrified of losing her?
Maybe this is where all the overly jealous, control freak, mistrusting behaviour comes from.
The only reason she has not gone crazy over it is probably because she doesn't know about half of it.
And the money, I buy her a car for her birthday, I buy her this and that. We live in a huge house. I can't resist but spend money on her to try and make her happy. Maybe all this comes down to my insecurity as well. I spend money so she doesn't leave me.
But why is the sex bad, or is it not bad? Do we really connect. Sure we go out, we kiss, we hug, we would APPEAR to be a totally normal couple living together. But maybe she's actually feeling unconnected on an emotional level. Maybe that's why she doesn't talk to me about how she feels. Practically every question I ask is met with "I don't know".
But me, I would be happy, were it not for wondering how she is. I don't care if the sex isn't always great, infact the sex always has been great for me. I am connected to her, I do tell her what I want to. I bring her my problems, I am almost always honest. Maybe this is the point. I don't even care about how happy I am myself, I am more worried about whether she is happy and whether she will leave me or not.
So am I really happy? Is this the life I wanted? Over all the years I have been with someone, they have always just become my whole world. Maybe I have just subconsciously put my own happiness to 1 side because I am insecure, I am terrified of being alone. I betcha this is why I got married at 21 and had a kid at 22. God that is so obvious now.
So I hate my face, my insecurity goes through the roof and I do anything and everything to get someone and hold onto them. We didn't even get along when we met, why would you marry someone you constantly argued with??
Maybe what I need to do is build my own life onto the side of my relationship life. Shift the focus onto myself.
Maybe she won't leave for a Dr she chatted to online and exchanged numbers with. Maybe she regrets that. Maybe they've never been in touch since. It's not like she doesn't have her own issues, I mean hello, communication of feelings please?? Can I have some clue if you don't mind?
Maybe I just overthink everything and this is all a load of bull. Maybe she IS happy. Maybe
That chat to the Dr has just really hurt me, it's like jealousy on speed. I'm just terrified she'll leave me, or worst cheat on me, how could I ever deal with that.
But I've learnt some stuff about myself at least. Lots of the problems we have are because of my own insecurity, it's low self esteem. I can be confident in work, I can watch the news, care about the politics, I can talk to people I don't know. It's not that part of it, it's the relationship part. I hate the way I look, my nose is weird and I have ugly hair. My skin is too white, and dry, and I don't exercise. I don't have muscles on my arms.
Is this the root of it all? I have had 2 major relationships in my life. Both times I have made the other person my whole universe. No wonder it took so long to get over the last one, no wonder I am terrified of losing this one. My life outside of them ceases. I have what, 1 friend I can call up to go out with. Where is the rest of my life. Is this why I am terrified of losing her?
Maybe this is where all the overly jealous, control freak, mistrusting behaviour comes from.
The only reason she has not gone crazy over it is probably because she doesn't know about half of it.
And the money, I buy her a car for her birthday, I buy her this and that. We live in a huge house. I can't resist but spend money on her to try and make her happy. Maybe all this comes down to my insecurity as well. I spend money so she doesn't leave me.
But why is the sex bad, or is it not bad? Do we really connect. Sure we go out, we kiss, we hug, we would APPEAR to be a totally normal couple living together. But maybe she's actually feeling unconnected on an emotional level. Maybe that's why she doesn't talk to me about how she feels. Practically every question I ask is met with "I don't know".
But me, I would be happy, were it not for wondering how she is. I don't care if the sex isn't always great, infact the sex always has been great for me. I am connected to her, I do tell her what I want to. I bring her my problems, I am almost always honest. Maybe this is the point. I don't even care about how happy I am myself, I am more worried about whether she is happy and whether she will leave me or not.
So am I really happy? Is this the life I wanted? Over all the years I have been with someone, they have always just become my whole world. Maybe I have just subconsciously put my own happiness to 1 side because I am insecure, I am terrified of being alone. I betcha this is why I got married at 21 and had a kid at 22. God that is so obvious now.
So I hate my face, my insecurity goes through the roof and I do anything and everything to get someone and hold onto them. We didn't even get along when we met, why would you marry someone you constantly argued with??
Maybe what I need to do is build my own life onto the side of my relationship life. Shift the focus onto myself.
Maybe she won't leave for a Dr she chatted to online and exchanged numbers with. Maybe she regrets that. Maybe they've never been in touch since. It's not like she doesn't have her own issues, I mean hello, communication of feelings please?? Can I have some clue if you don't mind?
Maybe I just overthink everything and this is all a load of bull. Maybe she IS happy. Maybe
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