Christmas is over, 2010 is near

update; few days back I thought she had left me. There was 1 hour when I couldn't contact her, she had gone to pick up Nicholas and her mobile was off. I had been chatting to her on MSn mobile, and mentioned the Dr in a really casual way, about seeing his name on my FB or something, and not knowing who he was.

She never responded to that, and then her mobile went off. I went into utter panic mode, I couldn't sit still,I shouted, screamed. Called my Mum and sister.. just total panic. She then arrived back. She had gone to the shop with Nicholas and her mobile ran out of battery. The sense of relief was overwhelming and I almost cried.

So now Christmas is over and the family have gone. Back to "us". Back to the doubting, the insecurity, the trust that is so weak.

I casually asked her about chatting to girls on FB too. I said what if I chatted to them, she said "as long as you're happy". What?! Then I said what if I gave out my phone number. She said something unconclusive like she'd have to think about it. No hint of jealousy there at all.

Next event, she just mentioned that she doesn't want to have any more kids. She said it's because Nicholas is so hard and that I had my chance, she had wanted one for ages and I didn't. I don't even care if we have any more kids, I really don't. But why the turnaround?? Because of Nicholas, or because of me?

So a 3 day break of feeling totally terrified about the relationship. And back I am to the misery. The rollercoaster relationship that I have somehow found myself in after 7 years of marriage.