maybe

I have to fix my own issues first before I try to help her with hers.

That chat to the Dr has just really hurt me, it's like jealousy on speed. I'm just terrified she'll leave me, or worst cheat on me, how could I ever deal with that.

But I've learnt some stuff about myself at least. Lots of the problems we have are because of my own insecurity, it's low self esteem. I can be confident in work, I can watch the news, care about the politics, I can talk to people I don't know. It's not that part of it, it's the relationship part. I hate the way I look, my nose is weird and I have ugly hair. My skin is too white, and dry, and I don't exercise. I don't have muscles on my arms.

Is this the root of it all? I have had 2 major relationships in my life. Both times I have made the other person my whole universe. No wonder it took so long to get over the last one, no wonder I am terrified of losing this one. My life outside of them ceases. I have what, 1 friend I can call up to go out with. Where is the rest of my life. Is this why I am terrified of losing her?

Maybe this is where all the overly jealous, control freak, mistrusting behaviour comes from.

The only reason she has not gone crazy over it is probably because she doesn't know about half of it.

And the money, I buy her a car for her birthday, I buy her this and that. We live in a huge house. I can't resist but spend money on her to try and make her happy. Maybe all this comes down to my insecurity as well. I spend money so she doesn't leave me.

But why is the sex bad, or is it not bad? Do we really connect. Sure we go out, we kiss, we hug, we would APPEAR to be a totally normal couple living together. But maybe she's actually feeling unconnected on an emotional level. Maybe that's why she doesn't talk to me about how she feels. Practically every question I ask is met with "I don't know".

But me, I would be happy, were it not for wondering how she is. I don't care if the sex isn't always great, infact the sex always has been great for me. I am connected to her, I do tell her what I want to. I bring her my problems, I am almost always honest. Maybe this is the point. I don't even care about how happy I am myself, I am more worried about whether she is happy and whether she will leave me or not.

So am I really happy? Is this the life I wanted? Over all the years I have been with someone, they have always just become my whole world. Maybe I have just subconsciously put my own happiness to 1 side because I am insecure, I am terrified of being alone. I betcha this is why I got married at 21 and had a kid at 22. God that is so obvious now.

So I hate my face, my insecurity goes through the roof and I do anything and everything to get someone and hold onto them. We didn't even get along when we met, why would you marry someone you constantly argued with??

Maybe what I need to do is build my own life onto the side of my relationship life. Shift the focus onto myself.

Maybe she won't leave for a Dr she chatted to online and exchanged numbers with. Maybe she regrets that. Maybe they've never been in touch since. It's not like she doesn't have her own issues, I mean hello, communication of feelings please?? Can I have some clue if you don't mind?

Maybe I just overthink everything and this is all a load of bull. Maybe she IS happy. Maybe